


Testing the Springs

by Asuka Kureru (Askerian)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Double Penetration, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Humor, M/M, Multi, OT5, Polyamory, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Quadrant Confusion, Recuperacoon Sex, Threesome - F/M/M, Xeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-19
Updated: 2014-03-17
Packaged: 2017-12-12 08:58:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/809748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Askerian/pseuds/Asuka%20Kureru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So, um. Terezi is kissing her. By the way.</p><p>"Wowza. Lesbos R Us, at long last. I knew that day would come. Anyone got a camera."</p><p>Terezi has a lot more teeth to get nibbly with than Karkat and her tongue is way longer and oh lord does she know how to use it. Jade wonders to herself, vaguely, why she never kissed her boyfriends' girlfriend before. That was a really silly oversight.</p><p>Mmm.</p><p>"Haha, shut up, Dave, you've been modeling for the Gay Dudes R You catalogue for like three years now."</p><p>"Like you can talk, Mister It's Not Gay If He Doesn't Have Balls To Touch."</p><p>--<br/>oneshot, plus a couple of ficlet sequels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Settings partly inspired by [Hic Est Aries](http://archiveofourown.org/works/610045) which made me want space stations and gardens in space liek whoa.

"I would advise you to get your grubby claws _off_ the gravity controls _before_ I get to you, Mister Blueberry Surprise!"

Troll voices resonate super well. Something to do with subharmonics, she thinks. Jade goes "Whoops" and kicks off the ceiling, twists herself around at the waist so she will face the door. Her hair flips in her face. Phhbt. "Terezi?"

Outside in the corridor someone goes by, bounding from wall to wall at breakneck speeds. "Wasn't me! Hahahaha." Something follows with a scrabbling sound of claws on bricks.

"Lies! Lies and deceit and treachery!"

Well.

They remind her of a cat chasing a beach ball, a bit. Jade sighs and, since she's now floating slowly in the middle of the room and will take at least two minutes to reach the next wall, teleports herself a couple of meters down and to the left, to the intercom.

"One!" she yells into the mike. Feedback forces her ears flat. "Terezi, it wasn't him, it was me! Two! You have ten seconds to find something to hang on to! Nine, eight, seven, six..."

The wall rattles with the impact of a body, she thinks shoulder first. She thinks it because Karkat is swearing about his gogfucking helldamned shitty anatomy, and his shoulder features prominently. "Wait!" he snaps as he trips the motion sensor so the door swishes open. Jade pointedly lifts her hand away from the intercom. The gravity equipment is at the other end of the room.

"Give me twenty -- no, ten more seconds," he says as he kicks from the doorjamb and dives through the room head first. Jade watches him and his glutes fly by, turns around to watch them fly away.

She would smack them for luck, but she has long since learned that it derails him horribly to have flushed advances made on him when he's feeling so furiously ashen.

Karkat's hands slap the far wall to kill his momentum; he unlatches the window, scans the underbrush around the base of Jade's tower-house, and...

"Okay, half-force, _now!_ "

His tone is urgent enough that she just pops over to the gravity machine and flicks it back on, just in time for him to fling himself off the window and actually get pulled down.

A story down, John goes "oof!" Jade peers out of the window in time to watch Terezi trip on their sprawled, piled-up bodies and roll onto the grass with a stunning lack of grace.

"Right," Karkat says with grim satisfaction, and digs his elbow in the curve of John's spine, making him yelp. "Terezi so help me if you get up and go after John _now_ \--"

"Even if I promised not to maim him too badly?"

Jade leans on her elbow at the window. A sudden gust of wind warns her of Dave's arrival; she shifts aside a bit so he can lean with her. It's funny; for the first second he moves with a weird ponderous slowness, like he forgot what it's like to move at normal speeds. She bumps her hip into his to remind him.

(He reminds her with his hands when she wakes up in the night and can't tell precisely, wordlessly, soul-deep _where_ she is. Fair's fair.)

Before her the world curves up, the slope of her mountain falling away only for her very own patch of sea to rise, and the top of the frog temple spearing straight toward her in the middle of a wall of blue. Overhead, past the bright artificial sun, are the geodesic glass-sky and its field of endless stars.

Underneath (relative to her, haha universal 'under' and 'over' in _space,_ in a _hollow colony_ ) anyway, on the grass that covers the inner side of the colony's outer wall (give or take a half-dozen shielding layers), Terezi is circling the John-and-Karkat pile. Karkat is crouching on John's back and growling at her, adorable little nubteeth bared. Jade doesn't know if Karkat is the only one who can't see Terezi is being disarmed by how cute that is and not anything else; it makes Dave chuff out a little noise under his breath that she's pretty sure is a laugh.

Terezi hears it as well, grins up at them with her crocodile maw.

"Hey! We're not your daily auspistice porn, get the fuck back inside and stop being voyeurs, whoever told you conciliation was a spectator sport -- gnah!"

John has, predictably, gotten bored and started lifting off the ground. "Whoops, there's a gnat on my back, hehehe..." Karkat is still sitting astride his back; he scrambles for a hold on John's shoulders as his knees and then feet leave the ground.

"They're gonna be stupidflirting all day, aren't they," Dave mutters to Jade. She nods.

"Looks like. Hey, guys, is no one going to want revenge on me for the gravity thing?"

"Don't be silly, my little spring-fresh bush!" Terezi replies, already shifting her weight lower on her haunches to ready herself to jump and catch John by the foot before he can drift up too far. Wouldn't be the first time he cuts and runs from disputes by flying up until he crosses the colony's gravity center and touches down on the skylight overhead. "This is very much not about a solitary incident--"

"It was because I-can't-believe-it's-not-sopor won't set right at one G."

Jade sets her chin in her hands, and smiles down until she can almost feel her own dimples. Karkat and Terezi have totally forgotten about John, their eyes trained on her with laser intensity.

"Hey, no fair stealing the show," John says, hovering at about window height, and then Karkat springs from his shoulders.

John goes spinning. Karkat lands against the wall with a rattling thud, claws biting in the windowsill on both sides of her elbows. Suddenly she has a troll boy in her face, eyes staring lava-bright, lava-fierce into hers, nose to nose.

" _Tell me you are not fucking joking_."

Jade grins, and leans in to kiss the tip of his nose. "I am not fucking joking."

She has to brace really hard on the windowsill so his weight won't pull her straight out after him when he surges forward to wrap an arm around her neck and reel her in for a bruising, mildly slobbery kiss. She laughs into Karkat's frantic mouth as Dave drags them back on the side where gravity will hurt them less, as Karkat manages to put one knee and then two on the windowsill and somehow find a precarious balance where he can still crane his neck for the enthusiastic, bruising pleasure of kissing her breathless.

Scrabbling outside, and then Terezi bursts into the room in the corner of Jade's vision, having climbed the wall like a hole-sowing lizard. She elbows Karkat in the ribs, leans in. Jade doesn't remember ever having been this close to Terezi's face; she could borderline join in on the kiss.

"Are you _sure_ ," Terezi hisses hurriedly, "are you entirely, completely certain, because I can smell the triumph all over you but how could--"

Jade tilts her head back to free her mouth, and winks, cheeks a bit warm. "I tested it in free fall outside the dome for like a week before doing a people-sized batch. So yes, I'm very, very sure mmmph!"

So, um. Terezi is kissing her. By the way.

"Wowza. Lesbos R Us, at long last. I knew that day would come. Anyone got a camera."

Terezi has a lot more teeth to get nibbly with than Karkat and her tongue is way longer and oh lord does she know how to use it. Jade wonders to herself, vaguely, why she never kissed her boyfriends' girlfriend before. That was a really silly oversight.

Mmm.

"Haha, shut up, Dave, you've been modeling for the Gay Dudes R You catalogue for like three years now."

"Like you can talk, Mister It's Not Gay If He Doesn't Have Balls To Touch."

"Will you assholes fucking stop--" Karkat starts from his precarious position on the windowsill.

Karkat has the unfortunate habit of being a very physical speaker. He can't speak and be still, it's like his tongue muscles are wired all through his body! Jade should study it. She should study it one day when she's not getting knocked backward by his weight and dragging Terezi with her.

Ouch.

She managed to yank a pillow from her room to appear it under her butt just in time, but that only keeps her tailbone from getting broken; it doesn't keep her from being flattened on the floor by two _really compact_ trolls. Or headbutted in the collarbone.

"Oh no!" Terezi exclaims as she pushes herself up on her hands. "We have slain the miracle maker! _This is a tragedy._ "

Jade groans, and then laughs despite herself, as she whaps Terezi's pointy shoulder. "I'm glad to see how much you care! Bluh."

Terezi smiles down at her, eyes crinkling. "Just kidding. Shoosh, you're okay."

Karkat's worried look is immediately forced back down into a grumpy, uncaring (very unconvincing) expression. "Well if you're fine, stop whining and get up."

"Not so fast," Dave says, and steps around them to look down at Jade, feet almost nudging her shoulders. Wow, she's looking straight up at his crotch. She grimaces.

"Thanks for the view, Dave!" Not that his crotch is a bad thing to look at but seriously, he's a bit too dressed for it to be interesting at all.

Dave, of course, ignores her. "I can't believe you guys have forgotten the essential rite. I bet she's bruised all over now. And what do you do to a human when you bruise them? Hmm?"

Karkat groans, cheeks heating. Terezi fake-gasps. "The magical healing ritual!"

"You do know it's just an excuse for Dave to make you kiss Jade again, right?" John says from where he's leaning on the windowsill, floating. "Guuuuuuuullible."

Terezi huffs and purses her lips at him. "John, you're a butt. Stop ruining it, will you?"

"Could we perhaps stop faffing around like a band of depraved bucket-sponged assfucks and go check on that so-called sopor substitute that I do not believe for a moment will leave us unscathed?" Karkat interrupts, waving his hand between Terezi and John to break all eye contact, metaphorical or otherwise. "I really can't fucking wait to see if my skin will fall off first or my teeth."

"Maybe it'll glue your nook shut!" Jade comments cheerfully as John hops in and helps her up. Karkat gapes at her in shocked outrage.

John picks the dust bunnies out of her hair and scritches her behind the ears; Dave pats more dust off her butt. She pinches his in retaliation. "Maybe his mouth," Dave says. "That'd be swell."

"Speak for yourself, mister I don't want those teeth near my dick, it'd be a tragedy!"

"I happen to think losing his nook would be worse--"

Karkat's outraged word losses never last very long, so Jade isn't very surprised when he explodes once again. "Auuuuuugh! I can't believe you two would -- no, actually I can!"

"The spirit of true fairness would be to ban them from said unappreciated orifices," Terezi muses, stroking her chin like she's looking for her goatee.

Jade gasps. Dave leans his weight back minutely. Karkat's eyes narrow, slow and cruel.

"Nooo!"

"Good idea."

"Noooooooo."

"For a week."

"Noo nonononono. Nooo."

John pumps the air with his fist. "Booyah! Ashen filth incoming."

Everyone pauses and turns to look at him. Terezi and Jade blink. (Dave probably blinks as well, who knows.)

"Egbert. What."

John purses his lips. "Dude, when it's not me and Jade it's Jade and Dave or Dave and Terezi, do you even know how to get jiggly with only one person anymore? No? So that leaves me and Terezi."

Karkat's face is _so_ anguished, it is more anguished than a puppy having his toy stolen and his food eaten by another dog in front of his very eyes and a rolled-up newspaper being shaken under his nose.

"Oh sweet motherfuck no. Don't even. The _last quadrant_ we haven't profaned! Don't you even _think_ about -- no."

John waggles his eyebrows.

"You are _so loathsome_ ," Terezi says, rolling the words in her mouth and letting them out slow like each is a revelation.

Karkat grabs Jade by the arm and turns her around and drags her forcibly toward the door.

"Lalala not hearing this shit. Sopor! I don't even care if it causes sleep via brain death, I want some fucking oblivion right the hell now. Show me the sopor now."

Laughing (because she did make the sopor! After months and _years_ , she did it!) she goes with him, trotting and hurrying him right back. Dave ambles after them, hands in his pockets, and a quick glance as she turns in the corridor shows her Terezi and John elbowing each other to figure out who will get through the doorway first. (Terezi wins. Where elbows and/or vicious stabbing attacks are concerned it's no competition.)

Jade crams herself in with Karkat on the transportalizer, pops out on the Decrepit Mummies level, and leads the way to her lab with a flourish.

The prototype recuperacoon isn't very recuperacoonish, in that it doesn't have weirdly organic walls and doesn't close up on top like some kind of misshapen hamster ball or giant termite hive; it's basically just an old Jacuzzi she repurposed from Kanaya and Rose's house. (Rose said they could treat her home as their home, and if Jade had had a Jacuzzi in her tower the problem would not have presented itself. Anyway once Rose and Kanaya are back from their super secret mother-grub grubnapping project Jade is sure Kanaya will feel it was all worth it for a cheap, freely available sopor substitute that doesn't involve blackmailing space pirates.)

"Tadahh."

Karkat lets her go slowly, staring at the pool of radioactive snot like he's not sure if he wants to run to it or away. Jade goes to check on her numbers -- not that she wasn't sure of her math, because she is, but chemistry gets _weird_ sometimes.

Perfect. The ICBINSopor ™ has set at all depths harmoniously. Jade whisks the plastic cover she put on top of the pool to keep it from slopping out in zero G right off, the way a matador would swish a cape.

Terezi is at the door. She hesitates -- such a short instant Jade would almost think she didn't -- and stalks ahead, past Karkat, and then before Karkat can stop her (or do it first) she puts a finger right in.

"Gross!" John says when she drags out a big green glob on her finger.

"Don't lick it, you'll get tongue cancer," Dave protests. "Also hallucinations and clowns."

Everyone groans at the reminder; Karkat kicks Dave's ankle.

"Dave, it's going to coat our slumbering bodies for hours on end! If it's too toxic to ingest it has already failed and we need to know." Nose wrinkled, Terezi plops it in her mouth.

Grimaces.

Jade bites her lip, suddenly unsure. "Um--"

"Tastes like chemicals and overheated steel!" Terezi proclaims. "But my tongue is not bursting into boils and I don't feel like scraping it out of my esophagus with my claws yet." She smiles, sudden and bright and for once not terrifying at all, just _happy_. "It'll do."

Jade laughs, relief loosening her shoulders. "I'll add sweeteners and flavoring to the next batch, how's that?"

"Scrumptious," Terezi proclaims, and laces her fingers behind Jade's head and pulls her down for another tonguilicious kiss.

Mmm.

Oh hey there's a hand on her boob.

She's pretty okay with that. Terezi's mouth tastes vaguely of old pennies and a lot of compounds Jade could name component by component if Terezi wasn't so thoroughly distracting her.

"--soporific, right? -- Oh, for the love of the Little Horrorterror that Could, Terezi, let her breathe. Don't you think she has enough matesprits already --"

"I thought me 'n Jade didn't count as matesprits," says John with blatantly fake innocence, "I thought we were, what was the word again Dave? Oh yeah. 'Rails with pails?"

Karkat growls in a way that means he's getting a headache and blaming everyone in earshot. " _Argh_. Whatever. Jade? Soporific?"

Jade, alas, ends the kiss. Sadness. Terezi is purr-clicking a little bit, which she was enjoying. "Um. Yes. I concentrated more on the nightmare suppressant part than the soporific so I don't know how fast it'll take effect but it should definitely do the job. Er, eventually. The concentrations you slept in were insane and that was really unhealthy long-term and--"

"Whatever, good enough." Karkat yanks his pullover over his head in a smooth movement. His t-shirt comes with, and he stands in Jade's lab shirtless for less than a second before he's bending down to pull off his shoes and socks and unbuttoning his jeans.

He pauses in the middle of his zipper to stare at them all in turn, brow suddenly furrowed, like he has no clue why everyone would even want to be staring at him. "Um. What."

"I've had a lot of fantasies that started like this," Jade muses, her hand on Terezi's nice butt, "only you were by the medical table over there. With the straps."

John chokes, Dave coughs into his fist and pretends he's faking it. "Only you, Harley. Only you."

"And -- and then what?" John wants to know, cheeks dark and eyebrows arched.

"And then _science!_ " Jade proclaims, of course. All the things she could learn about troll anatomy if he couldn't run off or squirm away... especially about _his_ anatomy. (Especially about all the tender little nothings she could whisper in his ears and the butterfly kisses she could give his neck and the slaps she could redden his butt with. Karkat is _so_ bashful, it's almost more annoying than cute some days.) (Most days, though, it's a lot more cute than it's anything else.)

Everyone groans. It doesn't cover the sound of Karkat toppling himself headfirst over the edge. Splorsh. (Definitely not a splash. It's too thick for that.)

Terezi gives her a last side hug and starts disrobing even faster than Karkat did.

"Uh, shouldn't we only test with like one troll at a time?" Dave asks, eyebrows furrowed in worry. "I mean, far from me to tell you what to do, Teez, but..."

Terezi is topless by now so when she goes his way of course his head dips a bit. Jade admits that Terezi's boobs are pretty cute, really perky. Jade's are bigger and it makes them hang uncomfortably at times and she doesn't get why people at large should like hers more, okay they're fun to poke and watch swing but that's it.

John is totally staring, too. Jade grins at him; he jerks his head up, gives her an alarmed look.

"Jooohn."

"Nope! It was just. They're there. Is all. Um." He turns away from the hug Terezi is giving Dave, as Dave stands there stoically and pretends he doesn't want to hug back. (Or grope. Jade recognizes the way his nostrils flare.)

Jade pads to John and leans in and grins, and murmurs under her breath, "You know, I don't get jealous over Dave and her, so I think I'd be pretty fine with her and you!"

John, as he often does when she reminds him of all those things they do that are totally not incest because Karkat is (at least some of the time) (nominally) sandwiched between them, stares at her in offense and great flusterment. "That's -- I don't want to -- she -- you -- argh!"

Jade purses her lips as doubtfully as she can. "It's not like you have to be in love with her to make out a little, you know, it's fine if you do that sometimes!"

"It's _super_ not fine! It's the least fine thing--" John drags her a few steps away by the elbow. They bow their heads together; ears canted, she listens to him whisper hurriedly, "If we close up that side of the pentacle of smut then the _last_ ones not boinking will be me and Dave! Me and _Dave_ , Jade, Dave is my _bro_ , this can _not happen_."

Jade's lips purse some more. "I'm pretty sure Dave and Karkat are bros, too, and they're really boinking. Like, boinking a _lot_."

John whimpers. Jade supposes it must be hard for a mostly straight boy to have his choice of two fine ladies and two strapping young men who'd all be up for friendly cuddles of the adult variety, and who'd totally indulge his morning after no-homo dance with fond and only mildly impatient eyerolls. John's life is pain. She kicks his ankle.

"You know what, stop thinking right now -- where's Dave?"

Dave is gone from view and so is Terezi. Jade moves toward the center of the lab, looking toward Karkat for answers -- and there they are, splashing near where Karkat is sprawled along a submerged bench with slime smeared on his jaw, his cheekbone. A goopy green head with horns and a goopy green head without emerge. Jade hurries to the edge of the pool.

"Dave! Are you okay?"

He takes the time to wipe his shades, and then wipe his face, before he answers, "Peachy." He stands; he's still dressed and his clothes are a royal mess.

"Oh, stay in, Dave!" Terezi says, "the temperature is just perfect!" and wraps her arms around his neck. She probably also kicks him behind the knee, because Dave topples back down, right on Karkat, who growls grumpily and shoves them both off the bench to sink. On second thought maybe Jade could have added more sitting platforms so they couldn't be entirely submerged. She thinks about it for a second and then pulls a little wooden bench from Kanaya's own GeodomeHabitat ™, from her garden. It's only a dozen miles away, floating in a complicated orbit with Jake's and Jade's; it doesn't strain her too much. The feet of the bench are dirty, so she goes to hose it down in the decontamination chamber off the lab.

When she comes back with the bench, half of John's clothes (dry) are strewn outside the Jacuzzi on the floor, along with all of Dave's (goopy.) Karkat is reclining against one of the sides, one arm around John's neck, as John leans back against his chest, and Jade kind of wants to go aww -- at least until she notices Karkat is using that arm to strangle John when he tries to get to Terezi.

She knows John doesn't even hate Terezi at all, finds her weird but funny, but the day he started pranking her to get over his weird leftover feelings about how she'd killed him in another timeline and she _pranked him back_ , he decided he'd be damned if he cried uncle first. And even if he had no idea it was going to snowball quite that far, no mule is half as stubborn as John Egbert. None of the mules.

On the other hand Terezi seems to enjoy herself a lot running after him and trying to stop his dastardly schemes, and Jade knows Karkat enjoys himself a _ton_.

On second thought maybe he'd be too sad if he failed in his middle leaf cockblocking duties... but at the same time Jade is almost sure he's not supposed to boink his auspisticees on the side either. Hm.

She's got to float the thought of auspisticizing via making sure the sex isn't _too_ black to him.

She drags the bench to the Jacuzzi and pretends she's going to drop it on their heads with her poor womanly noodle arms (pff); Dave rises from the sopor, covered in thick green streaks and dripping fat globs, and oh hey he's not wearing underwear anymore. Wow, slime glistening over his hipbones and slicking his pubes, nice. She almost does drop the bench, for not even a fourth of a second before she steadies it and helps guide it inside.

The sopor swallows it with barely a gloop. Dave waggles his eyebrows at her, face otherwise impassible.

He's wearing Terezi's shades. Jade giggles and leans in to kiss him.

She tries to keep the rest of her body away from him for all of two seconds, and then of course John hisses " _do it!_ " and Dave obediently wraps his goopy arms around her and crushes her against his manly (pff) chest so the sopor soaks right through her clothes.

"We are _so_ lucky I've touched this stuff tons of times before and I already know it's not toxic to humans, guys," she says prosaically as Dave pulls her legs the rest of the way over the edge of the makeshift recuperacoon.

With her inside it, the sopor rises until it overflows, but she planned for a system to salvage any splashes; there's a grid underneath that will let the sopor flow to a tank to be cleaned and stored and ooooh, wow.

Wow. The way the thick, warm liquid feels on her skin is positively fascinating. It's heavy, too, feels really enveloping; it'd be much harder to walk through than water, and water is already annoying like that. A bit gross at first but once she embraces the gross and decides to say fuck it and accept the length of time she'll have to spend washing her hair afterwards it's oddly nice. She pulls off her top and shifts to straddle the bench, between Terezi and Dave.

Terezi is wearing Dave's shades, and she waggles her eyebrows over them and pushes a lock of sopor-glued hair off her own forehead. It leaves a bright green streak on her skin. Jade grins; this is obviously a signal for Terezi to stripe Jade's cheeks with green, one band for each finger.

"Hmm. Almost matches your eyes. Nice."

Jade drops her glasses over the edge before they can get dirtied.

"Are you feeling any sleepier?" she inquires, and looks back at Karkat. Terezi is still sitting up and ready to chat, it seems, but Karkat...

He's almost entirely submerged, only his collarbone and part of his neck showing down from his head, and his eyelids seem heavy. He's still holding onto John, but in an almost absent-minded, comforting way, not a controlling one. He looks like he feels nice. Her smile softens; he smiles back, a tiny nothing curl of his lips, and Jade almost _melts_.

John has seen it too, twisted around some to watch them, and he stops breathing a little, gives a sweet smile of his own. "It works?"

"It works." Karkat shifts a little on the bench, stretches his back, his legs; one of his feet bumps into Terezi's arm, who captures the emerged toes and keeps hold of them despite his half-hearted tug. "Not feeling about to sleep yet, but definitely calmer. Mmh."

"Hallelujah," Dave mutters, but without heat.

Terezi chuckles, and tickles the underside of his foot; Karkat barely kicks at all. "That does sound very nice."

Dave looks her up and down. "Maybe we should dunk you, Teez. Get it to work faster."

Jade chuckles and leans back against his chest; he wraps his arms around her waist. "Who knows if that would work, she ingested some, maybe it makes it an excitant. Or maybe as a Teal-blood her metabolism is slower. What do you think, Terezi?"

"Hm. Definitely the Teal-blood thing. Sopor is never any kind of excitant." She shuffles closer on the bench, arches an eyebrow in question; Jade opens her arms to let Terezi nestle in them. "Mmh. You truly have superior rumble spheres."

"Told you," Karkat mutters from where he's slowly trailing his fingers along the sopor pooling in the hollow of John's collarbone. John's eyes are half-closed and his face is a little red and he keeps sneaking the three of them quick little guilty looks. Hmm.

Jade can't see Karkat's other hand. She wonders where it is.

Hehehe no she doesn't. Pff.

She tilts her head to let Dave nuzzle her neck, sighs quietly. This is very relaxing indeed. Her cheek is pressed against Terezi's horn. Terezi's chin digs a little into her boob.

When Dave and Terezi's hands bump into each other on her other boob, Jade laughs. They start thwapping at each other to try to get at her chesticular real estate, and she elbows Dave in the ribs and pinches Terezi's hip to settle them down. "Hey, don't make me get ashen on your butts. I have other plans for those butts, okay?"

She leans forward a bit and snaps her fingers at Dave until he figures out she needs her bra unhooked post-haste, and then once she's free of her annoying chest harness she grabs their hands and sets them, Dave's cupping her breast from underneath and Terezi palming the nipple. There's some overlapping of fingers but like she cares, wow, it feels nice, especially with the sopor that they're both kind of massaging into her skin, all long glides and smooth warm silkiness. Her boob is starting to send happy tingles down to her belly.

"So. This is totally going the way of smut in slime, innit."

Dave sounds less sure than what he's trying for. It's kind of adorable. Jade's boys are all so awkward, she's starting to think she has a kink. She looks at Terezi, who chuckles back and grins from ear to ear.

"Uh." John is blushing. Jade isn't sure if it's because he's used to spooning Karkat and not the other way around, or because Dave and Terezi are here. Probably both. "I... nghhhgh yeah sure why not!"

Dave sighs against Jade's neck and gives a long ponderous nod. " _At long last_."

"Uh, bro, what?"

"Dude. I was kinda starting to doubt our credibility as a respectable fivesome and not a false advertising-some, what with how we'd never had an _actual_ fivesome, you know, like all _five_ of us--"

"That's because it's _stupid_ , Dave," Karkat says sleepily. "Pailing shouldn't be a synchronized gymnastics event."

John snickers. "Yeah seriously, how do you see that going, should we try to do a man-train? Jade gets to be the locomotive." Jade glowers at him. Just they wait until she finishes her nerve-conductor realdildo! She likes her pussy just fine and wouldn't trade it away, but she's still tired of being the only one without a dick.

"Oral daisy chain?" Terezi goes, lips pursed, mock-serious. "We would need a _lot_ of floor space... I call dibs on Jade's human female bits!"

John burrows back against Karkat's chest and glowers sulkily. "Mneep. Mean."

Karkat bumps his round-tipped little horn on John's temple, eyes half-closed. "Stop hogging, John."

"Hey, I'm not -- nghah." John goes red, ducks his head. There's a suspicious ripple in the sopor at about crotch level. Jade snickers; she's not the only one.

Poor John. They're debauching him.

"I'm starting to feel like a fetish," Jade says mock-sadly. Terezi looks up at her.

"Do you mind?"

Grin. "Naw."

She leans back into Dave, cranes her neck so she can kiss his lips. Terezi presses her face to Jade's bared throat and nibbles with the very tips of her shark fangs. Jade whines quietly. If she had a tail it would wag all over the place.

Note to self, when done inventing the neural connections for a realdildo, invent realtail. Then again the spine would be right there, so the nerve impulses would be easier to get at, so maybe she should start with a tail -- ngh, Terezi just pinched her nipple.

"Good," Karkat says, voice all rough and half-asleep-sexy. "Now run your claws down her side."

Jade twitches; it's halfway between ticklish and sexy, hard to stand still for. She growls and grabs one of Terezi's perfectly conical horns to pull her into a kiss. Terezi shifts, her side isn't pressed tight against Jade's other boob anymore; a second later Dave's hand covers it as well. He's really grabby about boobs! Him and John, seriously. Karkat doesn't care half as much about them. Must be a human boy thing.

Maybe a human thing, Jade will have to ask Rose.

Dave props his chin on Jade's shoulder to watch them as Terezi swings her leg around and straddles Jade's and Dave's laps somehow. The sopor ripples lazily against the three of them.

It's really, really nice, all warm and cuddled from all sides by thick sopor, and then here and there, there will be the solid grip of Dave's fingers or Terezi's ticklish claw-tips, and she just really likes to hear them breathing in her ears. "I don't get why -- mmh -- why we didn't do it this way before, guys," she says.

Something is bumping searchingly against her belly; she's pretty sure it's Terezi's bulge. Dave is way past half-hard against her butt. It's already cool, but when she looks to the side, John and Karkat are watching, spooning. John is staring dumbly, face a bit red like he's not sure whether to enjoy it or look away (he is so not looking away,) but Karkat is all calm and interested, and it's such a _nice_ look on him.

She wants to smush his cheeks and kiss his nose. Maybe later. She shifts her weight up and guides Dave's dick between her thighs, so it rubs over her crack and her pussy lips, and she pulls Terezi closer. The cool point of her bulge trails down Jade's belly, tangles briefly with her pubes. Terezi's fingers follow it, combing and petting Jade's pubes, tugging on them a bit. It's funny because Karkat does the same thing -- not the tugging so much, but the petting.

Trolls don't really do body hair much, but Karkat has coin-sized pieces of baby shell on his shoulder blades. Jade's hands run down Terezi's back, to see if she does as well. Against her pussy lips Terezi's bulge coils with Dave's dick.

Dave groans, and immediately smothers it, burrows his face against Jade's shoulder, away from John and Karkat. When Jade cranes her neck to look, he's blushing, eyes scrunched closed, and when Terezi wrings another groan out of him he reddens even worse.

"Aw, c'mon," he mutters, "don't make me -- not around my bro, shit's embarrassing."

Terezi laughs. Jade purses her lips so she doesn't laugh as well. "Okay! John, we need to blindfold you so you don't see Dave's orgasm face. Also plug your ears maybe."

"I haaate you," John mutters back, face darkening in turn. It is such a _nice_ copper when he blushes, with his tan.

"With what?" Karkat asks. "Everything we have is coated in sopor. Even our hands. Ganderbulbs plus sopor is a bad plan."

"What do you suggest, mister Strawberry Delight?"

"He suggests no _blindfolds_ , what the hell guys, I'll just close my eyes, I don't wanna see it either!"

"Fine," Dave grunts back.

"Fine!" John concludes. "... If you do it too."

She can see Dave is about to ask what exactly he's supposed to look at, but in the end he doesn't find the strength to not-mention the mysterious happenstances under sopor level in John's crotch area. "... Fine. Okay. Fine."

Jade laughs because they are ridiculous. Terezi agrees; even Karkat snickers quietly.

After that she gasps, because Terezi's bulge has found her vagina.

It's cool enough to the touch that she clenches without thought. Terezi trills like a rusty metal bird. Dave makes a weird choked up whimpering noise, and burrows in her neck again. Jade barely notices. Terezi's ridges go almost to the top of her bulge, where Karkat's only start halfway from the tip. The sensation is different enough that she needs a moment to process it.

"Oh, you're _warm_ ," Terezi purrs in Jade's neck, on the other side from Dave.

Jade shivers and rocks on Dave's lap, on his dick still angling up between her thighs. The tip of Terezi's bulge is still poking around, coiling and flicking inside her in ticklish loops. It's weird because as she opens her up the sopor flows in, too, thick and warm. "I'm -- ngh -- I'm sure Karkat's warmer."

Cackle, a little breathless. "No, Karkat is hot."

"Damn right he is," John and Dave chorus, deadpan and amused, and then Karkat goes "Damn right I am" and everyone pauses to giggle.

Well, Terezi's bulge doesn't pause much.

Dave's hand travels down Jade's belly, cups her pussy, fingers straddling Terezi's bulge. He makes another noise that Jade herself would get secondhand embarrassment from if it didn't make her go all tight with arousal instead, with wanting to press him down on a bed and ride him. She rocks a little more sharply on his hand, groaning quietly, one hand going back to grab his hip.

" _Oh my god_ ," John is whispering over there, " _oh my god, oh my god._ " She spares him a glance, manages an eyebrow arched in question. She's a bit distracted, to be honest. Another inch of Terezi's length slithers in, and there are three hands kneading her breasts, it's pretty awesome.

Karkat's eyes are on her, his chin on John's shoulder; he turns so his lips will be next to John's ear when he tells her, "What he means is, anyone put it in yet?"

Terezi chortles. "Do you -- mnh -- do you want a play-by-play, then? Or would you rather imagine--"

Dave's whimper interrupts everyone. Jade laughs, triumphant. She doesn't release his wrist, though; he could decide to take his fingers out of her if she did, and oh, the way Terezi's eyelids flutter to half-mast when Dave's fingers coil with her bulge inside Jade.

"Now there's two more things," she manages to say, and then Terezi is attacking her neck with her mouth and another inch of her slides in. Jade is starting to feel pleasantly stretched. "Maybe -- maybe another finger -- Dave--"

"Maybe his dick," John blurts out, and everyone blinks at him, Karkat mildly, Terezi with her eyebrows up and amused, Dave -- wow, huh, Jade thinks he broke Dave. He's staring behind her back, expression blank, not deliberately so. She rocks on his lap pointedly, nudges his chest with her elbow.

"Dave!"

"--Uh. Yeah. What. I -- uh."

John's face has gone dark red and his eyes are scrunched closed. "Oh lord, forget I said anything, I am king of awkward and running mouths --"

"No you're not," Karkat interrupts. "Dave and I share the crown."

"Uh -- yeah, he. What Vantas said." Dave presses his face against Jade's neck again. "It's -- it's a really fucking nice idea. Yeah. Okay. Let's do that and then I'm going to kill myself the second we're done so I can forget you suggested it, mmkay."

"Is it John suggesting it or watching it happen that embarrasses you?" Terezi asks Dave, leaning in to look past Jade's hair. Jade doesn't know how she can be coherent enough to be inquisitive right now. She clenches on Dave's fingers and her bulge, to remind them both that they have bits all up in her bits right now and she'd like if they didn't forget them there.

Dave takes in a hissing breath between clenched teeth. "Can we just fuck already and then let me die in peace!"

John is still red and his eyes keep darting away and back, but then his eyebrows knit and he takes on that mulish look Jade knows too well.

"Well, I know how to fix half of that!"

Something goes tap! against the far wall, like someone lobbed a sock, only all the socks are on the floor and no arm is hanging out -- and then another tap, and the bright ceiling lights go out.

"Hey!" Jade protests, even as she figures out what happened. If he still had the Breath he'd have done it faster -- John's telekinesis isn't extremely precise at this distance, but apparently it's good enough to find the light switch. Machines are still on, little glowing points, but her eyes aren't used to it yet and right now everything is black; she can only feel the warm liquid enveloping her and the bodies wrapped around, inside her.

Against her back, Dave relaxes, though. "Yeah, it'll do," he breathes out. "Jade, can I...?"

"Oh," she goes, "oh, sure," and she shuffles up as well as she can -- hard to find places to brace her feet, they slide and it's awkward. Terezi's bulge slips out of her; she helps brace Jade so she can lift herself up enough.

Jade isn't sure who angles Dave's dick so its blunt head presses against her. She lets out a long, quiet moan, hears it echo against the walls of her lab, strange in the dark. Over the faint sounds of sopor lapping at the edges of the tub she can hear everyone breathe. She thinks Karkat might be purring, so quiet probably only John knew before right now, pressed together as they are.

Terezi's bulge nudges back in. Jade lets herself moan again, laugh-purrs in approval when she digs her nails in Terezi's shoulders and Terezi chirps.

"Oh fuck," Dave is whispering against her nape. "Oh fuck, Teez, you're -- shit. Feels so nice, shit, yeah, coil around my -- oh, oh. Jade --" It's like now that he has (not at all) plausible deniability that it's him making those sounds, saying those things in John's hearing, that he's free to let himself get as goofy and overwhelmed as he wants.

(Jade really likes it when Dave is into the sex, because he totally forgets he's supposed to pretend to be cool, and it turns out he's even goofier than her.)

John's -- she thinks John's -- yes, his breathing, she recognizes it -- kicks up another notch and he whines very quietly. She didn't expect to be able to recognize each of her lovers so well in the dark; but it's definitely his _oh shit Jade just went down on me I can't come yet_ breathing.

Jade takes a few seconds to pant through a rather sudden flick and curl inside her, one that stretches her even more open for another two heavily textured inches of Terezi's bulge to slip in, cool against Dave's blood-warmth.

"Fuck yes," she hisses, grinding her hips down on them. "So full -- ah."

"More?" Terezi asks. Jade nods, cheek pressed to her cheek. They kiss sloppily in the dark, distracted by what's going on downstairs.

Too many legs in the way, and the angle is wrong for Terezi to get close enough to push herself in to the root, but by the time she's done as much as she can Jade can barely breathe.

It's not the first time she's had a bulge and a dick inside her at once, but Karkat's is smoother and not as long, it feels different.

Also they hadn't yet done it sitting up. Makes things feel tighter in there.

"Uh -- uh. Guys?"

John. He's making little gasps of his own, so Karkat must be taking care of him, but... haha, he's so curious. She _knew_ it, he was so embarrassed _because_ he's a total voyeur.

She indulges him, because if she mocks him now he'll take ages to coax into letting himself approach this ever again. "They're -- wow, feels big. Terezi's all -- ff -- wrapped around, around Dave, shit, yes, let's do this with Karkat one day, oh my god, I can't wait until you come it'll feel so cool and nice--"

Dave would say he's groaning but Jade totally would label it a whimper. "Shit, yes -- ice cubes, we've never done that--"

"I'm not _that_ cold," Terezi protests. "I have to admit the contrast is -- mnh -- very nice, I am spoiled for toasty-warm nooks around here. Karkat?"

It takes him a second to answer, and when it comes it's a quiet little "Mmh?"

"Are you fucking John?"

"Terezi!" John splutters. Jade goes " _Ooh_ ," almost sad that she can't see it. John's been slowly easing himself into butt play, but he's never allowed anything bigger than a finger up there so far. If she's missing his adorable confused faces as he tries to wrap his brain around what's going on in his butt she will be very sad.

"Mmn. Nah. Got his thighs all... clenched. On me. S'nice."

John's groan of embarrassment turns into a hitched breath and a quickly swallowed moan. Dave shudders against Jade's back.

Jade rocks tentatively in Dave's lap, making him and Terezi gasp and cling to her shoulders, her sides. Dave's hands tighten on her breasts; he tries to thrust up, only manages a tiny little bounce, pinned down as he is. Terezi's bulge tightens, curls and flicks around him, against the walls of Jade's vagina. Terezi probably knows when she finds Jade's G-spot, because Jade can't stop herself from bowing her head and shuddering and biting down on her shoulder.

"Jade?" John whispers; she feels a hand bump against her shoulder searchingly, manages to grab it back, uncoordinated as she is right now.

"G-spot," she gasps between clenched teeth. "G-spot fuck yes, right there _right there oh my god_ \--"

Jade stops breathing when she comes, goes entirely silent, throat locked; she shudders and her whole body clenches down. John's hand is matching her grip, which is probably the only reason why she hasn't broken his fingers.

Dave whines quietly against the nape of her neck, face pressed to her goop-flecked hair. She makes herself rock back on him, for all that it makes her shudder with too much sensation.

" _Fuck_ , that was a nice one. Terezi?"

She replies through gritted teeth, weird troll hisses edging around her words. "I'm fine. Peachy! It just occurred to me, ah. Should I allow myself to _hhsssss_ , to come in here, won't the sopor--"

Jade cups her face and kisses her blindly across the bridge of her nose, just because she can and no one else is in kissing reach. "It's okay! There are filters. They can take it. It's okay, go for it."

She rocks on their laps, harder, faster. The overloaded tingle through her clit, inside her vagina, settles down to tolerable levels, a little muted, but even if she couldn't feel it as anything but pressure and body temperature the knowledge that she has two of her favorite people all wrapped up inside her would make it super fucking awesome.

John squeezes her hand; she squeezes back.

"Oh my god oh fuck yes Teezee, jizz inside her, jizz all over my dick, come on, come on do it, Teez, Terezi--"

The sudden flood inside her has her gasping in shock. It's not _cold_ \-- Terezi isn't so far up the spectrum that it would feel cold -- but inside where it's all nicely warmed up and comfy it still startles, makes her inner muscles clench without thought. The pressure and the way it seeps out of her and the way Terezi's bulge twitches and tries to lash, wow, _wow_. She needs to feel that when she hasn't come yet one of these days.

Terezi slumps on Jade's chest, palms clenched on her sides and fingertips even now mindfully curled back. (Jade doesn't mind scratches but if Terezi let herself grab on right now they would be much too deep.) Dave whines like a wounded dog when her bulge slides out, and he rocks and tries to thrust sharp under them, managing to make the sopor slop and lap at their shoulders.

He even deigns to let go of one of Jade's boobs to caress Terezi's shoulder, down her arm. "Oh fuck yes, that was nice, that was so nice you're the best, you're both the best, I -- fuck, fuck, I need to -- Terezi you need to move off now come on please--"

Breath all soft and quiet against Jade's shoulder, she doesn't answer.

"'Rezi? C'mon babe--"

"How much do you want to bet she fell asleep on you," John grumbles with bitter certainty from his side of the tub. Jade blinks, and chokes on a snicker.

"M'not assslpbt," Terezi mumbles. She nuzzles Jade's boobs to nestle her face between them, and stops moving entirely.

"Um. John. Is -- Karkat, are you awake?"

"No," John sings through clenched teeth, "he _is_ not. He is _so_ not. He fell asleep with his _hand_ on my _dick_ and his _happy tentacle_ around my -- places and he won't _let go_."

Jade bursts out laughing.

"I have claws around my junk like my junk is a teddy bear, Jade! This is no laughing matter!"

It is. It _so_ is.

"Yeah well I have my junk all up in her junk and I can't move at all and her laughing is all the stimulation I get!" Dave deflates against her once more, whimpering. "This is punishment. I don't even know what for, but it is, and I'm really fucking sorry can I get to bust a nut now, oh lord please I'll get you incense and pot and a shit-ton of nice stuff to burn, oh god."

Jade tries rocking, but Terezi's dead weight does not help at all. Dave is not deflating inside her, though. She thinks he's about to get a spectacular case of blue balls instead. It won't be quite as funny. "Okay, okay help me guide her off -- gently -- we need to lean her against something so she won't sink. I know the oxygen quotient in this thing is through the roof and trolls breathe more through their skin than humans do but I don't think they need it in their lungs?"

It's super weird to handle Terezi's weight, to topple her backwards slowly, all limp and thin in her arms, heavy like a sack of steel-laced bones. The sopor takes a lot of her weight, but the issue is mostly that Jade is doing it with Dave's dick still inside her, and he can only grip her hips so she doesn't topple on top of Terezi when she guides her to rest her head on the padded edge.

"Oh fuck yes."

Jade is on her feet, straddling the bench, and he rises to stand behind her, sopor sloping off in heavy globs. "Yeah, okay, just, just brace on the -- yeah, can I fuck you like this--"

"Oh no you damn well don't!" John hisses. "Help me out of here! This is not sexy, okay? This is the unsexiest. I already had Karkat falling asleep on me while the girls got theirs, I am not sitting here having my balls strangled while _you_ get to get off! I will _sing_ , Dave, I will sing as off-key as I possibly can!"

It's super hard to keep from laughing, but with the noise they're making, if Karkat and Terezi were going to wake up they would have already, so she stops trying. Giggling, she turns blindly and pats for John's knee, makes her way up.

"That had better be Jade's hand!" John yelps.

"What, bro, don't think I know how to get a cage of jagged razor nails off a guy's tender schlong?" Dave grumbles. "Shit, what are we supposed to do now?"

"I'm not even that hard anymore," John whines.

"Yeah well, _I_ am."

"I totally wanted to know that."

"And I plan to get off real soon."

" _I_ plan to -- oh thank you, Jade, you're the best. Phew."

Gingerly, he slides sideways off Karkat's chest, fumbles briefly, manages to get his feet in the narrow gap the Jacuzzi and garden benches left in the pool. He stands, hands held away from his body like he's not sure he wants his gross hands to touch his own gross self.

Her eyes have gotten used to the low lights. She glances down. He's not as deflated as he says.

Hm.

Hehe.

"We should get out of the 'coon," she says casually, as she leans over Karkat to make sure he's comfortable and won't slip. "There's a decontamination shower next door, it'll do."

Dave groans. She winks.

"And then we can fuck!"

"Oh fuck yes, awesome. Yes. All in favor raise your dong, will you look at that, it's a majority."

"Dave!" John splutters, and shuffles like he's not sure he wants to cover himself.

"What? We'll just have to make sure our balls don't touch, like idek a washcloth in between or something, babe can you just zap us there I can't fucking walk right now, don't ask me--"

It's a good suggestion, so she does, popping them over into the dark, rather big decontamination shower, all cold ceramics and no tiny lamps. Instead of being startled by the dark or reacting other than absently to her cuddling up for warmth, John keeps right on arguing.

So she grabs his sopor-slippery butt.

She is pretty sure she's recovered from her first orgasm and damn well ready to have a second, if she can convince them to participate.

"If you think about it, considering all the places they've been, your dick and his dick have already touched by proxy!"

They don't manage to convince John to try a double penetration -- way too close! -- but when Jade is bent over going down on him (he tastes chemical-coppery) and having Dave fuck her from behind, he forgets himself enough to rasp to Dave, "Pull her hair," "Thrust harder," and Dave does.

\--

(Morning after it turns out the filters can't handle troll jizz after all.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> silly sequel snippet n°1: "Sollux commentary on Karkat's romantic entanglements" + "the effect proper sleep had on the trolls' mood."

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] pestered carcinoGeneticist [CG] --

TA: hey kk, what'2 up iin your planetoiid of dork2 and de2perate hornball2   
CG: SOLLUX? WOW, BEEN AGES SINCE I HEARD FROM YOU. ARE YOU GUYS FINALLY BACK IN CIVILIZED SPACE?   
CG: HOW IS ARADIA?   
TA: you know her, 2he'2 alway2 fiine.   
TA: and ii a2ked fiir2t, nook2uck, what'2 up wiith the fiive of you, are you 2tiill flaiiliing around liike tool2 becau2e drunken makeout2 between friiend2 oh noe2?   
TA: aa thought iit wa2 even odd2 that you'd all iimplode from embarra22ment and ab2cond the fuck out of there or that you'd fall iinto a depraved quadrant 2meariing orgy. pretty optiimii2tiic huh?   
CG: WE'RE WORKING ON IT. (;B   
TA: ...   
TA: okay, who are you. are you an aliien who burrowed iin kk'2 thiinkpan and now you're u2iing hiim a2 a puppet?   
TA: ii'd 2ay you're tz or dv tryiing to rp a2 hiim, but they'd be more conviinciing.   
CG: HAR HAR. THIS IS A GOOD JOKE. LOOK AT ALL THE LITTLE ONOMATOPOEIAS I AM TYPING AWAY.   
CG: OKAY, NO, I'M EVEN TOO LAZY TO COPYPASTE. NEVER MIND.   
TA: alriight, a22hole, now ii'm worriied for real. what'2 goiing on?   
CG: PFF. NOTHING THAT NEEDS YOU FRETTING AT IT, NERD PRINCE.   
CG: FUCK, LIFE IS GOOD.   
CG: ANYWAY, TELL ME ABOUT THE PLACES YOU'VE BEEN. DID YOU GUYS BRING BACK REPORTS FOR JADE AND ROSE? THEY'LL SLAUGHTER YOU IF YOU DIDN'T.   
TA: yeah uh aa ha2 them, now 2top tryiing to fuck wiith my miind   
TA: we were gone one 2weep, you have not changed THAT much.   
CG: YESTERDAY I WOULD HAVE SAID I HADN'T.   
TA: let me gue22. you found a human fundrug that work2 on troll2.   
CG: HAHA, NO.   
CG: GOOD GUESS, THOUGH. I AM SOOO ALTERED RIGHT NOW.   
TA: ii'm 2eeiing that, 2weet tapdanciing fuck   
CG: ENOUGH TO TELL YOU WITHOUT REGRET THAT I MISSED YOUR DOUCHEY, ODDLY NARROW FACE, AND THAT IF YOU ARE BACK IN COMMUNICATION RANGE YOU CAN'T BE FAR FROM THE HUB, SO IF YOU GUYS AREN'T HERE IN ONE WEEK I'M LETTING TEREZI HUNT YOU DOWN.   
TA: iit wa2 the plan but now ii'm not 2ure iit wouldn't be 2afer to ab2cond the other way. kk, what the hell happened ye2terday to fuck you up that bad??   
CG: FUCK ME UP THAT GOOD YOU MEAN.   
CG: ACTUALLY GET RID OF THE UP.   
TA: no way, you actually managed to keep a quadrant long enough to get to a paiil?   
CG: UM.   
CG: NOT QUITE.   
CG: I MEAN   
CG: THERE WAS NO PAIL.   
CG: NOT THAT IT WAS NOT NEEDED, BUT THE SITUATION QUICKLY EVOLVED TO A POINT WHERE IT COULD NOT BE DEPLOYED.   
TA: too much iinformatiion holy biilgegargliing fuck   
CG: HAHA. SORRY.   
CG: I'M JOSHING, I'M NOT SORRY AT ALL. REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO STRUT AROUND ABOUT TAPPING FEFERI OR ARADIA?   
CG: SWEET REVENGE.   
TA: ok 2o plea2e wow me wiith your fiinally lo2iing your viirgiiniity at ten 2weep2. whiich one are you tappiing, o grand ma2ter paiil guru.   
CG: (((((:B   
CG: ALL OF THEM.   
CG: OKAY NOT ROSE OR KANAYA, BUT THEY DON'T LIVE WITH US SO THEY DON'T COUNT.   
CG: AND AS OF YESTERDAY, ALL AT THE SAME TIME. HOLY GL'BGOLYB ON A TRICYCLE, IT WAS GORGEOUS. TEREZI AND JADE MADE OUT LIKE CRAZY. UNF.   
CG: THIS IS THE CRY OF MY PEOPLE.   
TA: ok ii've got the legii2lacerator2' 2treet drug regii2try open, tell me the name and batch   
TA: ii thiink you need to get a refund, you got a bad one.   
CG: YOU SOUND LIKE YOU THINK I'M MAKING IT UP.   
TA: ii 2ound liike ii thiink ii'm gonna room wiith kn when ii vii2iit, you total nympho. wa2 iit an aphrodii2iiac or what??   
CG: IT WAS SOPOR.   
TA: ...   
TA: ...................   
CG: NO, SORRY, IT WAS "I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT SOPOR," TRADEMARK JADE HARLEY.   
CG: I SLEPT FIFTEEN HOURS.   
CG: MY WORST DREAM INVOLVED HOPBEASTS TRYING TO CUDDLE UP TO ME AND LOOKING MILDLY SAD WHEN I WOULDN'T.   
CG: BUT THEN THEY LEFT TO HOP AROUND WITH THEIR FURRY BRETHREN SO ALL ENDED WELL. UPON REFLECTION I THINK IT WAS TEREZI'S HAIR. I MUST HAVE SHOVED HER OFF MY CHEST IN MY SLEEP. WHOOPS.   
CG: ANYWAY SHE SURVIVED, SO WHO CARES.   
TA: ... 2opor. are you fuckiing 2eriiou2.   
TA: ii thought iit only occurred naturally on alterniia, do you know how many refugee2 would pay through the nook for   
TA: 2hiit, do you know what WE paiid to 2natch 2ome on the go?? we even helped 2ome dude friiend2 of aa'2 run iillegal 2opor off an iimperiial cargo that one tiime and the a22hole wa2 2eriiou2ly rolliing iin dough.   
TA: jd managed to dupliicate iit? you're 2eriiou2?   
CG: YUP.   
TA: ... though iif the 2iide effect2 are that bad ii'm not 2ure 2he'll get to 2ell much of iit, welp   
CG: THE EFFECTS ARE *NOT* THAT BAD, ASSHOLE.   
CG: YESTERDAY ONE OF THE WOMEN I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD DECIDED TO GET CLOSER TO THE OTHER WOMAN I LOVE MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. EMOTIONALLY *AND* THE BODY PART IN ASSORTED BODY PART WAY. IT WAS GORGEOUS.   
CG: JOHN FORGOT HIS HUMAN NEUROSIS ABOUT MAN ON MAN SEX TO LET ME   
CG: UH, DO STUFF YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT.   
CG: ALSO DAVE WAS HOT AND HATEFULLY PITIABLE AS ALWAYS.   
CG: I'M *HAPPY,* DOUCHEWAFFLE.   
CG: HAPPY AND WELL-RESTED.   
CG: I DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER THAT MY BRAIN COULD FUNCTION SO FAST, SO EASILY, *WITHOUT* A JOLT OF TERROR FIRST TO MAKE THE ADRENALINE FLOW.   
TA: oh.   
CG: I THINK AFTER A WEEK OF NORMAL SLEEP (INSERT RIDICULOUS SMILEY FACE HERE; ARE YOU JEALOUS YET?) I MIGHT TURN DOWN THE GOOFINESS.   
CG: IT'S LIKE MY BRAIN IS REMEMBERING THAT IT WAS IN FACT CHRONICALLY DEPRIVED OF SLEEP FOR SWEEPS, SO NOW I'M A LITTLE FOGGY, BUT JADE AND KANAYA TELL ME IT'LL PASS.   
CG: AND IN AN ODD WAY I ACTUALLY FEEL BETTER. I'D JUST STOPPED NOTICING I FELT BAD AT SOME POINT?   
TA: wow um.   
TA: that 2ound2 liike   
TA: you are a 2appy a22hole and ii am 2aviing thii2 conver2atiion and never lettiing you liive iit down.   
CG: HAHA, WHATEVER.   
CG: SO WHEN ARE YOU GUYS GETTING HOME?   
TA: 2iix day2, we're 2toppiing at the hub fiir2t to meet wiith the other human2.   
TA: ... thiink jd would liike other te2t 2ubject2?   
CG: YOU SAY THAT LIKE YOU'D BE ALLOWED TO RUN AWAY. (:B


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "john/terezi sexy prank". XD

She's been cuddling that new Judgeradicator Joodiy datachip against her chest all day, ever since Jade and Rose came back from their groceries expedition, so it's not too hard to figure out that when she sneaks away after dinner it's to go marathon it. She will be utterly engrossed for several hours, she's _said_ so. Perfect time for a prank!

He bursts in the rec room with a bag of the most disgusting rotten-purple and snot-green confetti at the ready, and ends up frozen in the middle of the carpet, face to face with Terezi-bitten Dave asscheeks, jutting impudently.

"Oh my god," says John, and Dave shrieks "oh my _god!_ ", and Terezi stares at John (kinda) and lets out a triumphant "Bwahaha!" in the purest tradition of Disney villainy.

(Disney is now a trollish franchise. That makes it pretty villainous.)

The way she laughs at his retreat has his ears heat up even worse than the fact that he got an eyeful of his best bro's butt.

\--

He cannot get it out of his mind, even as he starts up the cycle again with other pranks, other topics. This time she bested him, and that can't be allowed. He can't figure how to top that, though. She pretty much made him prank himself.

Also, Dave butt. Okay, no. Well, Dave butt is pretty tolerable when it's doing things to Jade butt or (maybe in theory yes) Karkat butt (might want to sneak a quick, discreet look some day) because he loves watching his lovers fall to pieces, but on its own it makes John want to claw out his eyes.

It was pretty nice how quick Dave was to help him make Jade make pretty noises that day but that is so totally off topic, wow, he is totally not thinking of that at odd times pretty much ever since, no.

But anyway. Terezi. The fiend from hell. She used Dave against him! His best bro!

It's totally fair that he use Dave against her.

... Oh. Huh.

... Huh.

\--

The occasion comes before he's done wrestling the thought into submission, so for the longest time he just -- he watches, and he doubts, and he tells himself it's not the right time and Dave wouldn't go along with it anyway and then it'd flop miserably, and --

And Jade knows he's here in the doorway they left open because she's facing it but she has Terezi's tongue up her umm _womanplace_ so it's pretty likely Terezi can't scent him, she's got to be smelling nothing but Jade's happy juices.

Dave is on his knees behind her, petting her butt.

John has to admit Terezi has a nice butt. Nicer than Jade's even. (Jade has better boobs though and also the rest of her is not made of pointy bits and she would never yell surprise buttsex and flip him over, which he's sure Terezi would and in other news he is never going to do anything with her directly. Ever.)

(Then again he's never going to do anything with Dave directly either, but...)

He moves silently on the carpet, and Jade cracks her eyes open and smiles at him (he's sure they left the door open as a standing invitation to join in, why else, so it's okay). He breathes in, and then he puts his hands on Dave's bare shoulders (it's okay! John's dressed! John's in jeans and t-shirt and _staying in them_!)

Dave startles, begins to turn, one of his hands on Terezi's hip, the other resting on the curve of her butt, and John leans in to whisper in his ear, " _Slap it_."

(He's not sure why it comes out all rough and low and -- and like that, but (Dave shudders all over (he is not noticing that)) Dave's hand comes down, almost on automatic, swift and without hesitation.

 _Slap_.

The way Terezi squeaks and jumps out of Jade's crotch has him laughing so hard he almost falls over. She turns, bewildered, then glares -- oh, sweet victory.

"Yee-haw," Dave mumbles, blinking down at his hand. His face has gone all red around the shades. Jade is laughing her butt off.

And Terezi is growling! Whoops, time to abscond.

He does, right into Karkat's waiting chest.

Considering the amount of naked in the room it's pretty weird how displeased Karkat looks. John tries on a friendly grin. Behind him, Terezi pinches his hip, hard, and grins in turn. "Mister Cherry Delight! How nice to--"

"The two of you will _stop_ pitch-flirting with Dave as a proxy _immediately_ , or else me and Jade are taking him back and going home. I am not letting the two of you make that into a _thing_."

His eyes are all squinty. Dave opens his mouth like he's about to say he agrees, or maybe that he doesn't mind it becoming a thing (John can see it either way.)

"Yeah, seriously," Jade pipes up before he can speak, "If you're gonna use an intermediary to get your blackflirting out of your system, it's kind of cheating on him not to use Karkat! He _is_ your auspistice after all!"

"... That is _so_ not what I was saying," Karkat sputters, but, well.

\--

It's super disturbing to hear Terezi's happy noises up close and personal. She sounds like a chainsaw in love, nothing like Karkat's motor-trying-to-start-with-a-kitten-on-it.

At the same time it's hella fun to imagine the grimaces she must make when he makes Karkat gasp or moan before she can.

They keep making love to him in the dark, and if any hands stray, Karkat is there to distract John before he shrieks and put them back where they should be.

(It occurs to him later that Terezi is blind anyway and therefore that she totally did see him naked.)


End file.
